Oct 1, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 20

Think about the woman you most fantasize about having sex with.


Now ask yourself,
Would you let her pee on you just to see where it came from?

Sep 23, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 19

Remember this about Pussy...
Get past the smell and you gotta it licked!

Sep 1, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 18

Another Pussy Poem:

Pussy Pussy Ever So Fine,
smell me, lick me, poke me,
give me some wine!


Emailed to me by: JACK

Aug 19, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 17

Pure: A Poem

On my birthday
My pussy was so pure.
Yesterday I got stroked and poked
And now I’m not so sure,

Today I realized
I‘m just a little whore.

Aug 13, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 16

Shag Me:

Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast?
"Oh think I'll have a shag please!"
So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work.
Husband comes home for lunch, "What would you like for lunch dear?"
"Oh I think I'll have a shag please!"
So again they shag and he returns to work.
Half-hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister rail !
"What are you doin?" he asks.
"Oh honey, I'm warming up your dinner!!" she replies.

Aug 3, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 15

A TIGHT PUSSY:

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him.
So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says.
So in goes another one.
She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!"
So he has his entire hand in, when she screams out "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".
So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.
"I can't", says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says, "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

Jul 22, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 14

First Date:

There was this guy and a girl.
They were on their first date and at the end of the date the girl just said kiss me.
The guy said, "on the lips." She replied, "yes."
So he bent down and started tonguing out her juicy wet pussy.

Jul 17, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 13

A man is making love to his wife.
He is really banging her pussy hard, and she is groaning loud.
Suddenly the man feels someone slapping his butt and realizes it's not is wife.
He stops, looks around and it's his young son crying.
He tells the boy, hey I'm not hurting your Mommy, we are making you that little brother you want so bad.
So the boy smiles and the father takes him back to his room and tucks him in.
The next day the father comes home from work, the little boy is sitting on the steps crying.
The father asks, 'What's wrong son?"
The little boy replies, "You know that baby brother you and Mommy were making."
The fatter smiles and says, "Yes."
The little boy says, "Well forget it, the mailman came over today and ate him!"

Jul 16, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 12

Two guys sitting in a bar talking about pussy.
The first guy says, "I hate it when I bring a girl over to my place, I bang her hard, dump my load into her pussy and she gets up and drips goo all over the bed and floor on the way to the bathroom."
The second guy says, "I solved that."
The first guy replies, "Did you put a towel next to the bed?"
The second guy responds, "Nope, I just let the air out and carry her into the shower and wash her there!"

Jul 15, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 11

Man tells his girlfriend...
I'd like a little pussy.

The girl replies,
So would I.

Jul 9, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 10

Guys, try and remember, that red thing on a string is not edible fruit.

Jul 8, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 9

An old blind man was walking pass a fish market and said,
"Good Morning Ladies."

Jun 17, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 8

Pussy Joke:

What kind of Pussy can a Man Eat?

A man cannot eat Black Pussy because that steel wool they call a bush will chap his face.

A man cannot eat Arab Pussy because those woman smell like camel dung.

A man cannot eat Mexican Pussy because his eyes will water from all the jalapenos she has consumed.

A man cannot eat White Pussy because she smells like a fish market.

That leaves only Asian Pussy. It's small, bushy, soft, and delicate. A perfect fit for a man's tongue.

And that completes our object lesson for today.
Bon appetit!

Jun 12, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 7

The Fish Story by God:

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking around for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them.
Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier.
Adam said, "In the morning Eve and I made love for the first time."
God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"
Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."
"Damn," says God, "Now all the fish will smell funny."
So now you know why fish smell. You also know why men often times relate a pussy odor to fish.
And think we have had it backwards all this time !!

Jun 4, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 6

Female Tested Highest Mark:

A female gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.
So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.
When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

May 26, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 5

BEER v PUSSY:
It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy

Having a frosted ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer

Beers have commercials making fun of hot pussy.
Pussy is its own commercial and needs to advertisement.
Advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your beer you want to throw up.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can cum in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Pussy likes head and everything that cums after.
Advantage: Pussy

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
If a pussy smells like brew don’t get near it.
Advantage: Beer

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
With pussy smaller is better.
Advantage: Beer

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Wearing a condom makes a pussy just another pleasure hole.
Advantage: Beer

Pussy can make you see God.
Beer can make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beer bottles is boring.
Peeling panties off of a pussy is fun.
Advantage: Pussy

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break or spill.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
If you change to another pussy, you can never go back.
Advantage: Beer

The best beer you ever had was Ok.
The best pussy you have ever had was fantastic.
Advantage: Pussy

The worst beer you ever had you threw up or spit out
The worst pussy you have ever had was great.
Advantage: Pussy

Beer makes you fart.
Pussy farts aren’t for everyone.
Advantage: Beer

Beer comes in all tastes, sizes, and labels.
Pussy comes in all sizes, kinds, colors, and types.
Advantage: Tie

You can get up and leave a beer and never go back.
Leave a pussy and you’ll never hear the end of it.
Advantage: Beer

Beer is limited to what you can do with it.
There are almost no limitations on pussy if you’re creative.
Advantage: Pussy

Bad beer: Heineken, Carling Black Label, Moosehead
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Chili Beer, Schlitz, Miller Draft
Good pussy: It’s hard to find a bad Pussy.
Advantage. Pussy

The government taxes beer.
Some pussy comes with a fee, all come with baggage.
Advantage: Tie

If you spill a beer you can clean it up.
If pussy spills out it can be cleaned.
Advantage: Tie

Beer is acceptable with a head.
If it looks like a Pussy but has a head it’s unacceptable.
Advantage: Beer

Beer does not go well in the shower.
Pussy is great in the shower.
Advantage: Pussy

Beer makes you Pee.
Pussy pee is not for me.
Advantage: Beer

Beer tastes good.
Pussy is less filing.
Advantage: Tie

Beer comes fat free.
Fat pussy is an acquired taste.
Advantage: Beer

You can’t dress up a beer.
Pussy is almost always dressed up.
Advantage: Pussy

There is never a time when you can’t have a beer.
There are times when a pussy can’t be had.
Advantage: Beer

If you get drunk and pee in your beer no one cares.
If you get drunk and pee in a pussy you may have your Winnie cut off.
Advantage: Beer

Beer can’t multiply and have little beers.
Pussy can almost certainly multiply.
Advantage: Beer

Beer looks the same sober as drunk.
Some Pussy looks better drunk than sober.
Advantage: Beer

May 18, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 4

The Pussy Poem:
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

May 14, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 3

The Creation of PUSSY:

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.

Note: This joke was emailed to me.

May 8, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 2

Pussy and Bitch:
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

May 5, 2009

Pussy Joke Number 1

Pussy Definitions:
As Added To, Further Redefined, and Developed By My Friend: JACK

Here's a few, I am sure many of you can add to the list. These are outright blatant stereotypes, which will probably label me as a male chauvinist pig, and filthy animal thus causing my email box to runneth over, hopefully with offers.
But its intent is to be humorous …. Doh Doh Duh Dah Ohhh So Funny.

The official list of PUSSY types found throughout the land are:
1. Expensive Pussy:
Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, designer dresses, bright colored shorts and shirts with Greek letters on them, expensive jewelry, name brand shoes, pocketbooks, and other apparel. 98% of pussy you want falls into this category. 
Advantages: Looks good on your arm makes others jealous. If you can afford it, it will look great, smell good, but sex may not be. 
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion and credit card max outs. Often times they’re just not worth it.

2. Cheap Pussy:
Rare to find. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off. 
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this. 
Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children ruining the relationship. Often times not worth it in the end.

3. Hired Pussy:
Found in the phone book, phone booths, on bathroom walls, internet, and walking the streets in every large city in the U.S. and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes, come-hither looks, and possible wig or dyed hair. Expense varies greatly with the quality. 
The difference between Hired pussy and Expensive pussy is that the money is up-front and known. 
Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, and doesn’t care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive pussy. You can easily budget for it. 
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap pussy in the long run, risk of disease is extremely high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time or fine to you is possible. Often times not worth it unless little head just insists.

4. Virgin Pussy:
This type is getting rarer to find each day, especially in the USA. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes, nude magazines, and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high, as Virgin pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason. 
Advantages: Risk of disease is extremely low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be absolutely maintained. 
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, usually does not use birth control which can cause "accidents." Can only be used once in current condition !! Exploring the abstract of sex is almost certainly out of the question. Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing and are marriage minded.

5. Nympho Pussy:
Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion. Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania. A true ‘Nympho’ just wants raw hardcore sex. 
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once. 
Disadvantages: You are definitely not the only one, thus disease risk can be quite high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not want a steady relationship. Really only worth a one night stand.

6. Frigid Pussy:
Less rare. Difference is that this pussy is hard to please sexually. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration). 
Advantages: There are no advantages. 
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.

7. Innocent Nympho Pussy:
Extremely Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package, which you would never in a million years think, would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4 above). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category. 
Advantages: The surprise is blissful and rewarding. Always worth it. Keep it if you can. 
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

8. Party Pussy:
Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in-group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience. Often times found not wearing any under panties or bra. 
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky or ugly. Be sure to say the right things. Wants nothing in return. Great one night stand no need to exchange real names. 
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. May have already been with another or even several at party, make sure you check all orifices before proceeding. Sometimes not worth it.

9. Nutty Pussy:
Usually has psychological and emotional problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker, librarian, studyholic, etc. 
Advantages: Easy. 
Disadvantages: Danger lurks in the minds of the oppressed and emotionally unstable. May be a stalker. Proceed with extreme caution. To get rid of her, tell her you slept with her best friend or her mother.

10. Muslim Pussy:
Identified as being Ugly, Hairy, has Scarf over face to hide warts or molds. Found on many US college campuses. 
Advantages: Usually a virgin, will be free of diseases. 
Disadvantages: Has been through female circumcision and is frigid as ice, wants children, wants marriage, would want you to convert to the devil’s religion, Islam (be a useless asswipe fucking Muslim). Smells bad. Probably would never report a date rape. Definitely not worth it.

11. Bi-sexual Pussy:
Sleeps with both men and women, often times into threesomes. Hard to identify cost wise. 
Advantages: Good experience once. 
Disadvantages: Probably would dump you for another woman or a good time. May pose as straight and pounce multiple partners on you as a surprise. Chances of disease high, reliability low, could cause you problems later on. Definitely not worth it.

12. Imported Pussy:
Not from USA. Usually hard to find and get. May or may not be expensive. Prevalent at US colleges. May be a virgin. Probably into blowjobs. Often times small, petite, long hair, polite, and willing if you can break through the culture barrier. 
Advantages: Different, new experience, often times small body, great ass, long hair. Usually loyal and dependable. Easily lied to. 
Disadvantages: May be looking for free ride to stay in America that means marriage. Won’t stay around probably will go home to country of origin. Will want commitment, could be expensive. Requires love and attention. Considered to be worth the adventure.

13. Gay Pussy:
Often times not sure they are gay (lesbo). Could fit into expensive pussy category using man as money machine and woman as sex partner. 
Advantages: None. 
Disadvantages: Too many to list.

14. Married Pussy:
Money may not be important. Probably looking for a good time, one night stand or occasional encounter. Likes younger stud muffins. 
Advantages: Won’t get pregnant, won’t talk about it, loves secrets, fun, great sex. 
Disadvantages: If husband finds out you will die. Risk high but considered to be worth the adventure.

15. Gothic Pussy:
Identified by tattoos, body piercing, black clothes, weird look, Halloween make up face. 
Advantages: None that I can think of. 
Disadvantages: Can be costly, don’t want to be seen in public with that on your arm, hard to tell where that pierced tongue has been before. Just not friggin worth it.

16. Young Pussy:
Nice too look at, smells good (pussy probably doesn’t smell at all yet), dresses sexy, lets you do all the talking, easy to please. 
Advantages: Get it drunk and have your way with it. Probably not expensive but could be in long run. Probably into blowjobs, hand jobs, and anal sex. 
Disadvantages: Many such as underage, you go to jail, she goes home to mommy. Most likely a virgin. Probably not on birth control. Her father may want to cut your penis off and make you eat it. Definitely not worth it.

17. Old Pussy:
Just for Mr. Little Heads quick and easy satisfaction. Generally found in old folks homes, senior centers, or retirement villages. Not expensive, usually no cost involved, doesn’t require talk or buzz words to use. Likes to get right to it. 
Advantages: Can take teeth out for BJ’s. Don’t have to take it anywhere. Easily satisfied. May even pay you for the service. 
Disadvantages: You may have to wake it up to do it. Probably has bad eyesight and hearing. You can’t take it anywhere. May call you by another name during the act. You may half to tape the p-lips apart to find the hole. Droopy dried up tits. Will probably remind you of having sex with your grandmother. Definitely not worth it.

18. Fat Pussy:
What it implies. May have two smaller fat people orbiting around it. Desperate men do desperate acts. Probably will buy you diner and drinks. Looks horrible in tight jeans and tank top. 
Advantages: None. 
Disadvantages: You may go blind looking at it. You may have to grease yourself, slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Definitely not worth it.

19. Ugly Pussy:
May have great body but has to be handled only in the dark. Probably won’t accept fact that its stone cold ugly, so some expense and patience may be necessary. May possess a great body. Probably fits into she will be loyal and obedient type. 
Advantages: Sex probably good to excellent. Most likely will be free from too much use and won’t have any diseases. 
Disadvantages: She’s so ugly she is a two bagger, you put one on bag over her head and one on yours in case one falls off. Will want repeated interlude. Will brag to others about you. Only good if you are a traveling salesmen or similar job where she is in one town and your in another.

20. Smelly Pussy:
Usually suffers from severe pussy odor. Tends to have pussy farts. Often times used beyond repair. Likes that hole plugged with just about anything. Sometimes hard to identify until too late. Could fit into any type above from expensive to free. May go ‘Commando Style’ (no panties to keep it aired out. Often times likes to display it in public. 
Advantages: None. 
Disadvantages: May have disease. If it is wearing panties they could be on for days and be stained from previous visitors. Caution should be used, wear two condoms to be safe, avoid getting nose and eyes too close.

21. Strange Pussy:
Likes it kinky. May want you to watch it pee. Likes anal, being tied up and disciplined. Will try almost anything. Generally very used. Probably is cost effective. You can generally get right to it, wants all nighter. Probably will ask for repeat performance. 
Advantages: New, different, a real experience. Sex probably very good. 
Disadvantages: Easy to catch something. May want you to have reciprocating pain and pleasure. She may pee on you. Only for those who dare to go where others will not.

22. Athletic Pussy:
Likes to be fit, trim, and slim. Usually good to look at. Generally expensive if your not her athletic equivalent type. 
Advantages: Can do pussy retractions and squeeze Mr. Little Head into oblivion and ecstasy. Often times has great shaved Camel Toe. 
Disadvantages: Diet and health food nut. Likes body builder jock types. May kick your ass if you get out of line. Yes, get some if available.

23. Transsexual Pussy:
NOT real pussy at all, it’s chicks with dicks. 
Advantages: None unless your GAY. 
Disadvantages: Too many to list.

24. Imitation Pussy:
Some type of device or inflatable doll. One time expense. Good for young ugly horny fucks. 
Advantages: None. 
Disadvantages: If seen by others you will be labeled a ‘Bud Bundy’ wannabe loser. Better to just use the roaming five finger natural method acceptable to one and all.

25. Used Pussy:
Box Car Bertha has had more cock in her whole than a used freight car on 
an old train. 
Advantages: NONE. 
Disadvantages: High probability of diseases. Only good if you're wannabe terrorist with a 
death wish.

26. Same Pussy:
Wife, girlfriend, etc. Same pussy different day. 
Advantages: It's there and you know you can probably have it anytime you want. 
Disadvantages: Boring.

27. Alien Pussy:
When your tripping on some good drugs like LSD and imagine you have been taken aboard a UFO where beautiful alien virgins have their way with you.
What's really going on is your sitting there in a fantasy and dreaming of Alien Pussy while masturbating all over yourself.

IMPORTANT NOTE:
Remember Men refer to ‘Pussy’ in many ways. 
A ‘Pussy’ can also known as:
A cunt, snatch, whisker biscuit, cooter, bearded clam, furbuger, sideways smile, Tina Risner, furry taco, slit, juicy clit, tuna salad, and camel toe.

May 4, 2009